On Fear and Trust

I don't know when it started, but at some point years ago, I began getting scared of loosing people, especially the ones I love. And not just misplacing them, but having them truly leave this world, like to die. 

As a girl, it was my mom, my dad, my sister. I couldn't bare to loose them. 

Once I got married, the thought of loosing my husband became consuming at times. In our first few months of marriage, we had moved to Mexico City. The first week we were here, I remember James telling me he was going to run to the bank with a friend we were staying with. He said he'd be right back; it should be a short trip. I waited for him. I waited until it was 30 minutes that went by, then 45. What was supposed to take maybe 15 was now taking way too long and I had no way to reach him. I remember sitting in my bed crying, imagining the worst, even running scenarios through my head of how I would coup with the loss, what I would do.

But then I heard him walk through the door. He had finished his errand about a half hour ago, but was hanging out with one of the friends we were staying with in the front house. Immediately I felt relief. I hugged him, and cried a little more.

Now with two little people who call me mom, you can only imagine the fear. The fear that one of these precious lives will get cancer, that they will get sick, very very sick. Sometimes I sit in bed and I think about it. I find myself even moved to tears trying to imagine how in the world I would ever handle something like that. How they would handle something like that.

I wish these thoughts would stop; that the fear would fade. The fear of what if, the fear of things that don't exist. Sometimes my love for my family is just too much; so much it almost brings on tears. My daughter's incredibly caring and inquisitive spirit and my son's precious smile and sweet disposition. They make my heart hurt with love. My husband's hand when it grabs mine in the car to give it a kiss. His arms around me.

I've grappled with why I so fear loosing the people I love. I know I have a ways to go with that. But in the midst of this I am reminded to have a trust that goes beyond all boarders. Beyond cancer, beyond loss, beyond death. Because trust doesn't happen with things we can control. It happens in the things that are completely and ridiculously out of our control.

So if I choose to trust, what does that mean? Does it mean life will be perfect? Everyone will stay healthy? No one gets hurt? Or does it mean that in this journey of life, I am loved and they are loved. We will all be OK. We will be taken care of in a way that is beyond my understanding.

So right now I'm remembering to choose to trust. It is a daily choice and one that is hard for me, but oh how beautiful is a soul that rests in His embrace. The One who blesses us and keeps us. And gives us peace.

Give me peace Lord, amen.