31 Days: Rest for the Good Girl

 I've always been the nice one; the outgoing one.

The one who will try and make friends or at least small talk with anyone.

I like others to watch me.

I like to be praised and adored.

I like others to like me, in fact, I need others to like me.

This means sometimes I act the way I think I should act; the way others might want to see me act.

If I mess up or upset someone, I dwell on it. I blame myself twice over and profess my carelessness, my not good enoughness.

Sometimes I even play the victim.

As the years sweep by and my family grows, I find myself feeling more exhausted. I'm tired of trying so hard. 

In my search for rest I see that ever present weight in the room staring me down, reminding me that once I tell it to leave I will finally feel relief. 

Rest.

Emily Freeman writes in Grace for the Good Girl:

"But as day fades to dusk, you begin to feel the familiar fog of anxiety, the weight and pressure of holding it together and of longing left unmet. Good girls sometimes feel that the Christian life means doing hard work with a sweet disposition. We tend to focus only on the things we can handle, our disciplined lives, and our unshakable good moods.

But what would happen if we let grace pour out boundless acceptance into our worn-out hearts and undo us? If we dared to talk about the ways we hide, our longing to be known, and the fear in the knowing?"

Rest for the good girl, the tired mom, the obedient sister, the agreeable coworker.

I'm learning how to find it.